Heart Talk

1/11/2018                   1:02pm

It's been so long since I've written anything. I don't know why it is like; I should pen down things only when everything's messed up and gets bottled up inside me. 

There are days when all I feel is choked up, maybe because of the mood swings or any other reason which doesn't have any reasonable explanations to it. It feels like that too much observation or thinking about a particular situation, phase or person makes me so stressed & frustrated that it takes on a mental toll.

I'm aware that nothing is permanent, or nothing stays forever and so does people in our lives. I'm too tired of seeing people entering and exiting from my life frequently. I'm tired from the permanent feelings I tend to have for those temporary people. And the point is feelings & emotions are such things which never completely vanishes from our hearts instead, it fades away as the time moves on.

No matter whatever people say- that it shouldn't affect you or you should be strong enough to ignore small things; it is really difficult to not take notice of things happening around you. You can't just close your eyes and let that shit affect you while it is still hurting and messing up with your mind.

Now as we enter in 2020, feels like it has always been like this. Since 2017 this vicious circle of people entering and exiting my life is going on...and the sad part is that I can't even do something to stop the sequence of events taking place since then. It feels like as if I'm myself the Audience in my own story who sits still with popcorn and whose reviews or opinions donot matter to the filmmakers (filmmakers as in the God) 

I mean, now come on the first three paragraphs of this post was written in November 2018 and since then I've not bothered to even open my blog and write something. Though I've written things in my diary but I didn't feel like that it was worthy to be posted online. Coming back to the point this is definitely not a coincidence that I'm at the same place where I started from. Because now it has kind of become my lifestyle and I've accepted it as if this is my final destination or destiny whatever you may like to call it. I swear I try really hard to not think this way and I seriously want to look at the brighter side of the life but somehow due to the repeated episodes of dramatic traumas I fear trying again. Atleast I don't want to try things or try to give space to new connections for some time now. 

I hope this decision gives me the much needed peace and some time for myself so that i can move the fuck on. With few changes in my lifestyle and in my way of thinking I'm trying to believe that it would get better and yes this too shall pass. Wish me luck!!